I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOT lately about self-consciousness and insecurity and other anxieties. Actually, it's probably something that's a constant at the back of my mind. I am extremely insecure. About my body, my skills, my talent, if any-- pretty much my insecurity encapsulates all aspects of my life. And I know that this is almost universal, and while that's somewhat comforting, I'm trying to break out of that mold.
In terms of my body, I don't think I'll ever be satisfied with the way I look (My torso is too wide, I have no hips, my arms are flabby, I'm not as thin as I was in my 20s, and I hate my nose). And I'm learning that it's a lot tougher to eat as terribly as I've always done my entire life: fried food, fast food, soda, at all times of the day. I'm extra conscious now, in a good way, about what I put in my body, especially since J and I are at the point where we're planning for a family. And as far as creatively, it comes with the territory of putting yourself out there. As a writer in my MFA program, having my work dissected and discussed right on front of me thickened my skin a bit, but I'm still-- and probably always will be-- terrified of the reception my work will receive. Overall, I've learned but am now only coming to terms with sort of... not caring. I care too much about what people think. I know this. When I post photos on Instagram, I worry about whether or not I should have posted that particular one or a slightly different edit.
I worry about my friends and what they think of me. I recently spoke to a friend who has a successful shop and business, and I found out something really disheartening: People like to see other people-- even their friends/acquaintances-- fail. Or, they're unhappy when they succeed. She had a friend who wanted to go into the same business as her and was upset that my friend was already doing it, and doing it well. And she came to her shop and told her this, that my friend was unoriginal and that she was opening her own shop. Isn't that horrible? Why is that? Why can't everyone be happy for everyone else? I think it stems from this unconscious competitiveness.
The solution, I think, is to not care so much. In the grand scheme of things, our anxieties really aren't worth angsting over. (Refer to the Carl Sagan quote at the bottom). It's hard for me to do because all I really do is care about what other people think. But I'm working on it. I'm working on doing things for me, and if people like it or not, that's fine. I just hope that friends can be supportive of friends, like they should be. I couldn't believe that someone would be upset about such a sweet person's success, but my friend is a strong lady, and she told the girl that it wasn't a competition and that she could go ahead and open her own shop, but she couldn't come into her store and say things like that to her. I need more of that strength. I don't like thinking there are people that don't like me, which is silly, I know.
I'm working on it, though. It goes along with my resolution, too, to get out of my comfort zone and do things I wouldn't normally do, including this little mini shoot I did (with my friend Jess Hannah and Esther Lee) for Pansy Co. intimates. Stayed tuned for the photos from the shoot and an interview with the makers!
"Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there-on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.
It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.” Carl Sagan, Pale Blue Dot: A Vision of the Human Future in Space